Does anyone else find it strange writing 2013?! 2012 went so fast yet some many things happened... strange right? I'm really hoping my cuts and scars will heal by July, I know it seems ages away but at the rate i'm going I will have plenty of new ones to add to my collection. Everyone wonders how exacually self-harmers can hurt themselves but to me it just seems to come naturally. It's like a roller coaster, your scared at first but then once you've done it you just love the rush you get and want to do it again and again.. bit of a naff example but there you go. What really annoys me is the fact that people take the piss out off self-harmers and say things before they even think, I mean come on self-harmers get more shit then people who sleep around or take drugs or smoke. I my opinion self-harm is one of the safest ways of coping, I know some people will be like what the hell is this girl on, but think about it, by self-harming we wont get nasty STDs, cancer or bad health and things from taking drugs. And if you take care of your cuts and scars and keep the blades clean then we wont even get infections! See, it's quite safe, yes OK there's the chance we could cut a vein or artery but chances are quite low, arteries are set waaaayyy back in our bodies and the veins would heal quite well on their own if we accidently cut one. I hate it how people can be so harsh and thoughtless, they say "sticks and stone may break my bones but words will never hurt me" however, this is very untrue! Words can hurt more than actions! I don't understand sometimes because people don't like others saying nasty things about them so why say it about other people?! Like I said thoughtless. Someone came up to me in the street today and said to me that I was the most beautiful looking girl they had ever seen. I started to believe that I was pretty, that people did notice me, but then I looked in the mirror and saw myself looking back, all freckly, ginger, bagged eyed and sunken cheeks. I feel so stupid for thinking that, I felt stupid for believing it. Mum called me stupid for being me, it was a playful stupid it was a horrible stupid, she yelled at me that I was acting stupid and like a spoilt little brat, all I said was that I wanted to spend the day with her where she wouldn't mention my little brother or always talk about him and buy him things but know I was being stupid for asking for that... so I carved stupid into my leg, that way I will always remember that I am stupid...
Well it's now 1:45am and I haven't been to sleep yet, I'm not even tired, the urge to cut again has just come over me. I have tons of homework and jobs to get done before I go back to school, not enough time. Don't really want to go back to school and have to face everyone with all there questions.. Especially my teacher.. she will come and get me out of lessons to talk to me. Ask me how I "coped" over the holidays, well I won't be telling her about my overdose... I'm fine. Well when I did eventually go to sleep I hope I wouldn't wake up.. I don't know why but I'm just so terrified about going back to school, I don't want to face anybody, because I know in the back of my head I will be screaming at myself to tell people about my feelings. I hate it! I just want to feel normal! But it's OK because I'm fine. I got a phone call off a police lady today to discuss what's going to happen in the New Year with my Sexual Abuse, have to talk to a Sargent now.. I'm absolutely terrified! I hate police they scare the life out of me... This year is going to be fun o.O
Ok, so I've never really done a blog before... like ever! I'm not even really sure what I'm suppose to write on here so I'm just gonna talk about my feelings and battle with self-harming, everyday life for me and stuff like that.. so here goes... Ok.. so New Year new start for me.. I want to get my self-harming sorted out and stop feeling like a freak... New Year Revolution.. to keep my feelings to myself and don't tell anyone else.. that way I wont hurt everyone. Sounds easy right?! Wrong. Sometimes the pain get so much I just have to tell someone. It's like I dying to tell someone not for attention but because I have been holding it in for so long it starts to hurt inside. If someone asks me if I'm ok it will all come spilling out... that's if I trust them.. thankfully to my trust issues I don't trust many people at all so it will be easyish... but sometime I just want to tell anybody who will listen that I'm having a bad day... It normally gets me in trouble opening my mouth like that, I told my favourite trusted teacher about what I was doing, she got taken away from me.. that did more damage to me then good. I want her to be happy but I felt lost without her. She was like my rock. My shoulder to cry on. In a way, because I never had a good relationship with my mum, she was my mother-like figure. I trusted her with all my heart but then she told my friends what I did and told the other teachers, I know she did it out of the goodness of her heart and with her best intentions but it hurt to know she didn't keep it quite. It hurt a lot and I began to lose trust in her... Anyway enough of the past it's a new year, there's no point crying over the past (unless your me and can't let go off it!). But this year will be different... Hopefully
Previous Posts3rd January 2013, posted January 3rd, 2013
2nd January 2013, posted January 1st, 2013
First ever blog..., posted January 1st, 2013
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